It's OK to Say YES!

When did pleasure become a dirty word? If it feels good - don't do it?

It's true that rampant, irresponsible chasing after sensory indulgence can be dangerous. The out-of-control societal problems with obesity and sexually transmitted diseases are evidence of this. But it's also true that over-restriction can also be detrimental.

And sometimes it really is ok to say YES to things that feel good...to body, mind, and spirit.

Check out the companion blog post to this episode on my website: https://www.joyfulicity.com/post/it-s-ok-to-say-yes

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:08

When did pleasure become a dirty word? The idea that indulging in anything we actually enjoy is most likely wrong. So if it feels good, we probably shouldn't do it, right? Welcome to the Joy Felicity Podcast. I'm your host, Laura Wakefield. There seems to be kind of a weird trend going on that I've noticed in society today where we almost seem to celebrate or put up on a pedestal the people who are the most stressed out or who are suffering the most or who are struggling. We almost in our own lives tend to want to self-restrict and not allow. And then we all get together and we have these big sort of pity parties about how hard our lives are. And somehow that makes us feel significant or it makes us feel important or more noble because of our suffering. And I want to challenge that idea just a little bit in today's podcast. Now, don't get me wrong, there definitely are times when that is noble. And those times are when that kind of sacrifice is required. I greatly admire people who will put the needs and desires and wants of others ahead of their own for the greater good of society, or perhaps for a greater good of a situation that their need and desire maybe wasn't as important as potentially what someone else needed. And I love the people that are introspective enough and honest with themselves enough to be willing to make sacrifices like that and to struggle when necessary and work really, really hard to achieve goals and maybe put off the things they want in the future in order to lay the groundwork today. I'm all about hard work and patience. And I'm all about service and love and sacrifice when it's necessary. But we take it so far sometimes in our society today, with this kind of just say no mentality, that we find ourselves saying no to almost anything pleasurable, with this almost deep understanding that if it feels good and we like it and we want it really badly, that it's probably selfish or sinful or bad or wrong in some sort of way. And so if it's something that is sensory in nature or pleasurable or exciting to our psyche, but maybe not absolutely mandatory to survival, that we ought to not do that. And that's what I want to take issue with. Now, it is true that overindulgence can be bad for us, especially when it has led to and is fueled by addiction. Obesity, for example, is a chronic health issue. And sexually transmitted diseases run rampant, which shows what happens when we go a little crazy with our wants and desires and our physical things without any kind of checks and balances. It can lead to all kinds of problems. So healthy limits and boundaries are super important to establish and maintain. Learning how to say no is critical and it's a key element of maturity. But sometimes I think we take this so far in the no direction that we lose the ability to ever say yes without feeling guilty or shamed. I think women are particularly prone to this, mothers in particular. There's this idea that once we become a mother, all of our needs and wants and desires should be put down for the good of our children. All of them, even when it isn't necessary. We tend to forget that over-restriction can sometimes be just as dangerous and damaging as overindulgence can. When I have been on different diet plans over time and health programs, I can attest to this and many others would as well, that consuming too few calories can stall your weight loss goals, creating the same effect as eating too many calories. What the heck? How can that be, right? But it's true. And it would be a whole other podcast to talk about the reasons why for that. But in my personal experience, taking a free day off of my diet now and then would actually result in greater overall losses. There's emotional and physical components involved there. But a little indulgence can sometimes be a good thing. Vacations and days off can rest and refuel your body and soul so that actually you get more done during the week than if you hadn't stopped to recharge. Employees actually do better when they're given some time off. You would think that just more hours equals more productivity, but that isn't the case. And studies are starting to show that. You buying a new outfit that you feel really good in can alter the way you interact with other people. Positive vibes are contagious. I've talked about some of these things before. That doing the things that you like and that you want and that light you up and that make you happy is not selfish. And I want to emphasize that again today. Now, of course, it can be if it's taken to extremes and all of your things that you do throughout the day are focused on just satisfying your own physical wants and needs. Of course, that's a problem. But most of us are swinging way far the other direction. And we won't do anything for ourselves. We're not looking out for ourselves at all unless we can somehow justify it. And I'm going to put justify in air quotes because I've done this to myself so many times in the past. Well, I can't buy a new outfit for myself until I lose 10 pounds. And then I'll give it to myself as a reward for losing 10 pounds. I've done that one many times to myself. Or I'll let myself have that dessert, but only if I'm super restrictive for a month before that and I have to earn it. And I set up these like rewards and prizes for myself, where the only time that I can do anything for myself that I like is if I suffer first. And there's a subtle distinction because I think that can be very effective in our goal setting sometimes to kind of give ourselves something to shoot for and a reward at the end. But I've caught myself and I see in other people around me sometimes taking that to the level where every positive thing that we get or have or want has to have suffering attached at the beginning of it. And that is a very damaging spiritual and mental state of being, I think. Because what we're telling ourselves is that we're not inherently worthy of joy and happiness and pleasure just because we're alive, just because we are human. And we are. So while I don't mind setting up a reward, that shouldn't be the only time that we allow ourselves to do anything. I'm not saying go crazy and follow every whim or fancy that strikes you. I'm just saying that it is okay to say yes sometimes too. And when we do choose to say no, to be careful of the internal narrative surrounding that. Are we saying no to something, to an invitation, or to something that we want to eat or drink, or to some sort of pleasurable experience or opportunity because we honestly don't want to do it? Because that's okay. Or because when we consider our particular health problems or other factors in our lives, we determine that saying no to that really is the best decision rationally. In that case, awesome. Well done for your self-restraint. I applaud that. But be careful when we find ourselves saying no as kind of a knee-jerk reaction, because maybe we've said no so many times that it just becomes our automatic response. Or be careful if we've got internal programmings telling ourselves that we don't deserve to say yes. No, you can't say yes to that invitation to go out for dinner and drinks with friends because you're too fat. You messed up on your diet this week, so you don't deserve to go do that. That's what I'm talking about. And I have said those very words to myself on many occasions. Or be careful when saying no is coming because we've got all this guilt piled onto our psyches. Every time we allow ourselves to say yes, we come home and just beat ourselves up about it. That's a problem. And these are very destructive thought patterns, and they can grow into serious anxieties and rob you of so much peace and joy. Sometimes we say no just because it's our habit to say no. We just always say no to everything. Start paying attention when somebody invites you to do something, or when an opportunity presents itself, or when you want something and you feel that desire for something and you immediately say no, check yourself and look inside yourself and say, why am I saying no right now? Is it really because it's the smart thing to do? Is it really because it's important that I do that? Or am I just so used to saying no that it's just kind of what I do? Or is it because I don't think I deserve to say yes? And even that question of is it the right thing or the smart thing? Those can become very tricky to figure out because we're so programmed in our own minds to think of things as very black and white. That's right, that's wrong. That's smart, that's not. And the problem is we we actually the desire doesn't really change. That thing that we wanted, we still want it. We're just denying ourselves. And what is the insidious thing that happens when we do that? We might feel a little bit self-satisfied that, you know, we have a lot of self-control, that those other people over there don't. But secretly, deep down inside, we're being a little judgmental of those people and usually a little resentful of all the fun and the joy that we see happening over there on the other side of the fence, and that we're not experiencing over here on our side. And it can be a very isolating experience for us, if not physically, at least emotionally and even spiritually. Here in the United States, we kind of evolved from a very puritanical background, which in many ways is good. You know, there's a lot of great teachings there for hard work and industry and all of those things. But I think it was very destructive the way literally everything pleasurable was bad and should be banned and was wrong and was monitored by everyone else around. And we've carried forward with a lot of those ways of thinking. And so while on the one hand, if you look out in the media, we seem to be rather overindulgent, and in many ways we kind of are, but with healthy doses of guilt and shame attached, to where kind of internally we're not indulging at all. We're it's more that we become addicted and we're following after addictions, which is very different than making healthy choices toward joy and pleasure. Those are very different things: chasing addictions, being irresponsible, and healthy choices. It doesn't seem possible to me that if our creator truly thought that anything physically pleasurable, say, was bad automatically, that that same creator, as a loving creator, would have given us these five senses in the first place sight and sound and touch and scent. All of these things were given to us for our good, for our joy, for our pleasure. And we get wrapped up in the idea of the seven deadly sins, you know, and they are all wrapped around those things. But as I said before, yes, all of those things can be destructive if misused, but they're not automatically bad and wrong. And I think that's where we go wrong, is because we can see the end result of overuse or overindulgence, we then assume that the thing itself is bad. Beautiful sunsets, stopping to look at them, musical harmonies, silky fabrics that are really soft to the touch, delicious aromas, wonderful food. We enjoy these things and we're drawn to them. I believe that we need to embrace these powerful gifts we're given as often as possible. They weren't given to us to become sources of pain as we fight against them. They were given to us as gifts to enjoy as human beings. And when someone gives you a gift, I think they want you to enjoy it. They don't give it to you as a trick to try to trip you up. So how do we make a healthy choice on these things? Because it's kind of a fine line, isn't it? Between too much and too little? I think you know the difference. You know the difference. Learning how to trust yourself. And the way to do that is to start taking baby steps in that direction. Start testing the waters a little bit towards sensory pleasures, things that feel good to your body, to your mind, and to your spirit. I love getting out in nature. I went hiking at one of my favorite local hiking spots yesterday. I was with my kids and we had a wonderful conversation. We saw beautiful scenery, wildlife. It was pretty much all of the senses engaged from the sounds of the water to the sights around us. All of that was engaged on this hike. That is a healthy expression of those things. Some of those things are pretty easy to sort out. What about an ice cream sundae? Are we allowed to have that? Yeah. You know what? You are. Now, you probably wouldn't want to have one with every meal. That would be overdoing it. It wouldn't even probably be enjoyable, Pastor Point. But you know the difference. When I was in Alaska several months back, I was on a diet at the time, and I was trying to kind of watch what I ate, and I had a weight loss goal and some different things, and we were very active on the trip. But there was this one night that we were going out, and I was thinking to myself, I shouldn't go with the group because I've already consumed too many calories and I probably shouldn't do that. But I thought, you're in Alaska. You'll probably never be in this place with these people ever again. Just don't worry about it. And we went into this restaurant that served this homemade lavender ice cream. It was really unique and it was it was amazing. And we all sat there and we kind of lingered over our ice cream and we had these wonderful conversations and glass of wine, and we were visiting and laughing and sharing our memories from the trip. It was toward the end of the trip. It was a lovely evening and wonderful memories that I created with that group that I went to Alaska with. And a very unique experience with this homemade ice cream that had this lavender flavor to it that I've never tried before. It was really, really fun. And I'm so glad that I didn't excuse myself and just link back to my room and feel guilty and feel like I needed to refrain because I still had an extra 10 pounds to lose. You know the drill of what goes on in our mind because I would have missed out on a lovely memory and experience that I had that night. Now, when I got home, I got back to work. So allowing ourselves at the proper times and places, and deep down we know when those are, without guilt and without shame to enjoy those things. Because that's the other thing I want to say. It doesn't do a whole lot of good to say yes to yourself if you're going to beat yourself up about it later. That's not really a yes at all. That's kind of a trick. And that just perpetuates the whole guilt-shame cycle. Because then you more and more often associate those pleasurable experiences with that guilt and shame because they're always intertwined. And it's up to you to stop that. Because most of what is happening there is coming from inside of you attacking you. And that's gotta stop. I want you to look in the mirror and see that person looking back at you as someone that you love. What do we do for people that we love? We want to make them happy. A little baby, we want to wrap them in the softest blanket we can find so they feel safe and they feel warm. Our romantic partner, we want to spoil them and indulge them, and we want them to see them smile and hear their laughter. That brings us joy to see that in them. We would not look at one of our kids or someone else that we loved and hurl the hateful words at them that we tell ourselves in our own minds every day. We would never ever do that. So it's time to make the most important relationship in your life, the most long-lasting relationship that you will have, and the closest relationship you will ever have is with that person in the mirror. And wouldn't you want that person to experience all of the pleasure and the joy that life has to offer? Yes. As good, kind-hearted people, there are going to be times when we deliberately choose to sacrifice that for the good of another person. But it has more meaning when we're doing that as an active choice that's different from the norm. Then it is truly a sacrifice because it was consciously made. But the rest of the time, start practicing in little baby steps saying yes to yourself over those little things that come up throughout the day where you feel like, oh, that looks fun. I'd like to try that. Say yes. Book that experience. Go do that thing. Don't go crazy. You don't have to spend all the money in your bank account. That's just irresponsible. I'm not suggesting that. But now and then, I think it's super important to take time off of the sacrificing, take time off of the suffering, take time off of the restriction, and say yes. Say yes to your senses. Say yes to your heart's desires. Say yes to really living this life in an active, vibrant way. Life is beautiful. It's meant to feel good. And there's so many opportunities out there. To have those experiences, there's gonna be pain, there's gonna be tough stuff, there's gonna be a lot of hard work. But there's also a lot of joy. Say yes to it. Have a great day, everybody. Thank you for joining me today on the Joy Felicity Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and share, and come follow me on all major social media sites at JoyFelicity or on my website, joyfelicity.com. You can follow the link in the description for this episode to all of the places that we can connect. Have a great day, everybody. And remember dare to dream, plan to play, live to learn.