Being "Nice" Isn't Always Nice

I'd like to think that most people that know me would say that I was a nice person. Kindness is something I deeply value and try to embody in the way I interact with others.

But sometimes the desire to be perpetually "nice" can lead to some decidedly "not nice" consequences. Tune in now to hear what I mean.

Check out the companion blog post to this episode on my website: https://www.joyfulicity.com/post/being-nice-isn-t-always-nice

Please like and subscribe here, and also visit my links page to see all of the other places we can connect. This is the hub for more information on my website, my coaching program, the podcast, social media and to subscribe to my newsletter. Hope to see you there soon! https://www.joyfulicity.com/links

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:08

Are there ever times when the desire to be nice isn't really that nice after all? Welcome to the Joy Felicity Podcast. I'm your host, Laura Wakefield. I'd like to think that most people that know me would consider me a pretty nice person. Kindness is something that I deeply value and try hard to embody and demonstrate in my life. The unfortunate truth is, however, that sometimes that desire to be perpetually nice can end up having some decidedly not nice consequences. It can even be skillfully used against you by those with selfish motives. So what are some signs to watch for? How do you know when being nice may not be that nice after all? Number one, when you find it impossible to say no. Nice people don't like disappointing others or hurting their feelings. That's a good thing, unless it circles back and ends up trapping and hurting themselves, sometimes even inadvertently the very people that they think they're protecting. For instance, you may agree to join a committee that you don't really have time for, or go on a date with someone you aren't really that interested in romantically, just to be nice. But is it nice though? If you neglect more important tasks and relationships to focus on ones that you didn't even want to be part of, if you arrive there in body only, and by doing so hold others back from connecting with people that actually want to be there. Saying no is often the greatest kindness that you can offer to all involved. Now manners matter of course, so be firm but tactful when declining. Saying no has always been very difficult for me, so I tend to over-explain at length to soften the blow. I'm finally learning, though, how unnecessary that is. Give a reason if you feel that you should, but anyone who keeps pressuring you beyond that is actually being a bully and intensely disrespectful. No means no, whether the subject is physical, intellectual, or emotional, and you have every right to say it, even when you're nice. Never forget that. Secondly, when it silences your personal truth, why do we usually laugh even if we don't find a joke funny? It would be perfectly acceptable to sit there neutrally, but somehow we feel compelled to mold our responses to what we think those around us want to see and hear. This generally doesn't hurt anything if it's as simple as giggling politely at mediocre comedy. But what about when we're deeply afraid to speak openly about our spirituality or our sexuality or personal reality of any kind? Because somebody might not approve. When we feel that we must live or think the way another wants us to, even if it's completely the opposite of what resonates with our own heart. But wait a minute, if you care about somebody, shouldn't you pretend and hide behind a mask if necessary in order to keep them from feeling sad? Isn't that the nice thing to do? The answer to this is a resounding no. If you are embracing your personal truth and living it out loud in love and kindness, you are not hurting anyone. If someone else chooses to be hurt, simply because you are not who they expected you to be, or because you're not the same as them, that is no fault of yours. You can be nice and be unique. You can be nice and be genuine. Even if not everybody gets it, and even if somebody gets very mad about it, be real anyway, and bless the ones that need to witness your courage in order to find their own. No one can truly deeply know you if you're hiding the parts of yourself that you think they might not like. The truth is they might not. And that's okay. Let them go without hostility and make space for the ones who love you in authenticity. They are your people. Number three, when it makes you afraid to speak words that need to be said. If your child was playing in the street and a car was coming and they couldn't see it, you wouldn't just sit there and say nothing to avoid interrupting their fun. No way. You'd shout as loud as you could until they heard you that danger was coming, so they could get out of the way. But what about when someone you love is an alcoholic, engaging in self-destructive, dangerous behavior? Is it more loving and nice to ignore it and enable them in order to keep the peace or bravely encourage them to get the help that they need, even if it upsets them? I suppose that's up for debate depending on the circumstances, but the point I'm making is that sometimes difficult topics ought to be addressed, regardless of discomfort. And just because someone reacts in anger and accuses you of being rude or mean for saying the things that they don't want to hear, it doesn't necessarily mean you actually were unkind. Another example. It's not a big deal to just eat somewhere else from now on, right? But what if that owner was your close friend and asked you point blank why you haven't been in for a while? Is it nice to them to say nothing? When that same employee could possibly be driving away other customers? It's food for thought at least, that often there's many different ways of looking at the same question. Now listen, I'm not suggesting that you have to go out of your way to force your opinions into every situation. Some things really are none of your business, and I firmly believe in allowing everyone to live life their own way without judgment. We don't need to make an issue out of everything that bothers us. But when you're intimately involved or if asked directly, it's not mean to tell the truth. Your delivery has the potential to be nasty if you aren't cautious in your approach, but an honest expression of the facts or your personal feelings is not mean. Number four, when it allows abuse to continue. Abusers will often pressure victims into remaining silent by convincing them that telling might hurt the feelings of other family members. Narcissists and gaslighters may actually accuse you of not being nice when you react perfectly rationally to their bad behavior. This can be confusing to nice good people. And it can cause them to allow abuse or impropriety to continue, or even sometimes into taking the blame for things that they were never at fault for. Remember this: studies show that most abusers will go on to mistreat others if left unchecked. So speaking up and bringing serious misdeeds out of the shadows may protect a future victim from ever becoming one. Also remember, what you allow or don't allow is teaching others how you expect to be treated. And it's also teaching your children powerful lessons that they will take with them into adulthood. So don't let anything happen to you without responding appropriately that you wouldn't want to see happen to them. If you are or have been the victim of abuse, do not blame yourself. I urge you to see a therapist trained to deal specifically with these kinds of situations that can help you find safety and healing. Don't forget to be gentle and kind and nice to yourself too. The common thread here is fear. Be courageous, be warm, loving, and kind. And yes, be nice. But only when nice really is nice. It's very important to learn the difference. Have a great day, everybody. Thank you for joining me today on the Joy Felicity Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and share, and come follow me on all major social media sites at JoyFelicity or on my website, joyfelicity.com. You can follow the link in the description for this episode to all of the places that we can connect. Have a great day, everybody. And remember dare to dream, plan to play, live to learn.