UNKNOWN: 0:00

you

SPEAKER_00: 0:11

Welcome to the Joy Felicity Podcast. I'm your host, Laura Wakefield, and it's my privilege today to have Ellen Bergen on the show. I met Ellen originally on Instagram, and she, on her bio, says she is a confidence and joy coach and a fearless living coach. So, of course, anyone who knows me knows that that resonated with me immediately, and I have so enjoyed getting to know Ellen online and have been I'm very excited to meet her kind of in person a little bit more personally today. So welcome, Ellen. Thank you so much for being here.

SPEAKER_01: 0:49

Thank you, Laura. And I have to tell you, as soon as I saw Joy Felicity, I'm like, oh, I need to get to know her. Yeah,

SPEAKER_00: 0:58

there's just people. This is one thing I love about social media is that you have a chance to meet like-minded people that you don't live close. Maybe you would never have had an opportunity to meet them otherwise. Right.

SPEAKER_01: 1:11

Right. Yeah. That's the joy of social media.

SPEAKER_00: 1:14

Exactly. So, Ellen, I have found in my experience that most people that get into coaching feel a sense of almost a sort of calling to coaching. Is that true for you? How did you get into confidence and joy and fearless living coaching?

SPEAKER_01: 1:32

Absolutely. It needs to be somewhat of a calling. Otherwise, it's going to be pretty tough to enjoy coaching. I started out by when I turned 50, I just kind of didn't have fulfillment, get any fulfillment for my job anymore. And so I started just kind of looking into different options and taking action and trying to figure out what did work for me or, you know, I had really no idea what I wanted to do. I just knew what I didn't want to do anymore. And so eventually it took me to binge watching a podcast about life coaching, because I didn't even know what life coaching was, but someone had mentioned it to me. And long story short, within a month, I was on a flight to California to start my one year life coach training program.

SPEAKER_00: 2:33

And

SPEAKER_01: 2:33

yeah, I haven't looked back.

SPEAKER_00: 2:35

Well, see that I get so excited when I hear stories like this, because there is something about 50 that that feels a little bit jarring, I think sometimes, you know, like you turn 50 and suddenly you realize, oh, you know, if I don't get on with the things that I really want from life, if not now, then when, you know? Exactly. So you just jumped right in and went for that.

SPEAKER_01: 3:04

Well, it sounds like I jumped right in and went for that, but it was really a process, you know, a several years process, to be honest, because I Like I said, I didn't know what I wanted to do and it didn't magically come to me. I had to try different things. And I think the biggest thing that I did was start a blog. And I always knew that blog was taking me down a path where it was taking me. I had no idea, but I knew it was taking me somewhere. So I just let the process play out and kind of, you know, like they say, enjoy the journey. And I really believe that. that that is the key to enjoying life is enjoy the journey or the process of getting to wherever you want to go or wherever you might want to go.

SPEAKER_00: 3:53

And that can feel very scary sometimes to start walking without knowing your ultimate destination. Oh,

SPEAKER_01: 4:02

it can be very scary because it's definitely taking steps out of the comfort zone. And of course, when we do that, it feels uncomfortable and scary and fear is there trying to, you know, make us doubt ourselves and trying to tell us we're not good enough. And then we start comparing ourselves to others and yeah, it's the whole, the way fear makes us think and behave and yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 4:30

Absolutely, and you know, you look at little kids and I have found most kids, Act kind of fearlessly. If they want something, they say, I want that. If they feel something, they're pretty open about their feelings. And then something starts to close us off and you hit midlife. And most of us have this big wall of fear up around us. Can you speak to that? Where does all that fear come from?

SPEAKER_01: 4:54

Well, Our fear really starts when we're born, when we're small children, is when we really start to build that core fear about who we are, when we realize that there's a whole world out there and how, you know, just through our experiences. And as we grow and become adults and our fear doesn't grow with us because fear never forgets. It always remembers, for instance, that time that someone laughed at you as a child or that time that you were put down or even like, I know people used to say when I was by my mom, when I was a little girl, oh, is she shy? And so I thought I was shy. I identified with that because that's what everybody said. So even though As we grow, we become a different person that can handle more as an adult emotionally. Our fear doesn't realize that. It still wants to treat us like that child who doesn't want to feel embarrassed or feel disappointed. And so it sticks with us. And we have to really uncover how that is still having a grip on us so we can... choose to retrain our brain to think differently so we can behave differently. But really, it's a conscious effort to become aware of how fear is making us behave so we can choose something different.

SPEAKER_00: 6:38

I love that. It's so fascinating to me and sad and frustrating, too, that you can have 30 positive comments and But that one negative one will be the one that sticks and seems to have the most impact up here.

SPEAKER_01: 6:58

Isn't that funny how we remember that one thing, even though probably nobody else remembers, you know, if we did 10 things good and one thing's bad, nobody else is going to remember that one thing. But oh, yes, we do. And that's that's our fear, putting us on alert, like, see, I told you, you shouldn't be doing this stuff that's out of your comfort zone. Now, you know, it's telling us to get back into our comfort zone. And but like I said, we're grown adults, we can handle that. You know, things not going as planned, whether you call it mistakes or failure, we can learn from them and make ourselves stronger because of it. But yet fear, of course, doesn't like that. It just wants us to go right back into that comfort zone, which I should mention, you know, that word comfort zone is really important. misleading because sometimes there's nothing comfortable about it. Right. It's just what we're familiar with. It should be called the familiar zone. I love that. Actually, I love

SPEAKER_00: 8:00

that. Right. Sometimes that's actually, we keep ourselves in the least comfortable place because at least we know what this feels like and what this looks like.

SPEAKER_01: 8:11

Exactly. And you can take that to extreme like domestic abuse. There's nothing comfortable about that. But if it's part of your life, yeah, your fear is knows how to react to that and your EP knows what to expect. But yeah, whether we want to stay there or not, that that's a choice.

SPEAKER_00: 8:30

And we do have that choice to make a different choice. about how we're going to show up for situations. But that can become really hard to believe within yourself because I found in my own life and in some of my coaching clients' lives that once you have a very deep-seated belief, you almost start to create circumstances around you as you go forward in your life that confirm what you already think. And so the more confirmations you have on that, the more you get stuck in that belief system. Have you found that to be true?

SPEAKER_01: 9:06

Absolutely, yes. We look for, we really, like fear makes up lies in our heads. So all these thoughts are really, if you really look at them, you know, like, oh, I can't speak very well in public or I can't speak up very well in meetings. Well, is that really true? You know, look at that. Have you ever spoke up? You know, when you really dig into these questions thoughts that we have that aren't complimentary to ourselves. Most of them are lies that are kind of made up in our head. And yes, once we shine a light on those untruths, yes, then we can change them. But until we're really aware that, wait a minute, these aren't true. Yeah, we are going to just try to find more evidence that they are true. And that way we'll stay in our comfort zone and won't have to step out where it's a little bit scary or a lot scary. But that also means that our dreams and goals that are outside of that comfort zone, that we don't get to have those in our life either.

SPEAKER_00: 10:17

But people will sometimes choose that. Like you said, like they'll stay in a really toxic relationship because they just don't know what it will feel like over there. At least this is something familiar. And the other thing that I've found is not only do we send negative messages to ourselves, but we'll project out and suddenly become mind readers. Like we know what everybody else is thinking too. Because I have this insecurity. I know that that person is thinking this. And that's completely imaginary. Unless they've said that to you, you have no idea what they're thinking.

SPEAKER_01: 10:51

Exactly. And likely, they're not even thinking about you.

SPEAKER_00: 10:53

They're thinking about themselves. Well, that's very true. Because they've got their own little set of fears and insecurities that's wrapped around their life. So... How do we get stuck in this in the first place? Like you said, you know, it starts when we're young and kind of goes along and we find ourselves in this place. Or I should actually say, once we find ourselves stuck, what's our first step to getting unstuck?

SPEAKER_01: 11:23

Awareness is the first step because when we kind of live on autopilot, just go day to day doing the same things that we've always done, we have no idea how of the effect that fear is having on our life. So until we do some work and uncover those patterns that fear has us in that is not serving us well, we can't do anything different. We're not even aware that it's holding us back. So awareness is the most important part first step because once you're aware of really how it's it's affecting you and holding you back then you can um you know number one retrain your brain to think differently and make different choices make conscious choices instead of living on autopilot

SPEAKER_00: 12:24

Exactly. I love that. And sometimes once we really unpack that, the fear is not as big and scary as we thought that it was. Like I was telling you before we came on that when I was thinking about starting this podcast about two years ago, it just never got going. And I finally one day did just what you're saying. And I sat down and thought, okay, what exactly is going on? what are you afraid of? I'm not really afraid of podcasting. I'm not really afraid of being on camera. I'm not afraid of the big stuff. I wasn't really afraid of what I was honestly afraid of at the core was that I didn't know how to use garage band. I didn't know how to use, you know, the movies. I didn't know how to use the technology and that. So whenever I would look at my computer, I would just, I can't, I can't think about that. All this anxiety would come up, but it was so simple. And this is embarrassing to say, but after a year of avoiding GarageBand, I finally just called my son and said, hey, can you show me how to do this? It took about 15 minutes for him to show me how to do this thing that had been holding me up from starting my podcast for over a year. And that's kind of embarrassing confession, but we do this to ourselves. It's we, we just, the anxiety feels so big that we don't break it down to realize it's actually not that big.

SPEAKER_01: 13:48

Right. And the more we think about the bigger it gets in our head. And I love that you took one small step to And that is what got the momentum going. And that is all it takes is one small step. Because sometimes people think I need to start a podcast. Okay. But there's a lot of little steps that lead up to that big thing that you want to do. And by taking the little steps... And this is what I really have my clients focus on are these little steps. I call them stretches because they're just a little stretch outside of the comfort zone. Because when you take the little stretches, fear doesn't go on high alert as if you were going to take a big leap. And so fear isn't pushing against you as hard, which makes it easier. And it also helps you gain momentum. And that, so you, your fear saw, oh, well that's, I can do that. So now what's the next step? And you just kind of gain momentum and you gain confidence while you're, while you're taking more steps and finding out that you can do what fear has been telling you is just not a good idea.

SPEAKER_00: 15:15

Love that. I love that. That phrase stretches. Yeah. Because it's so true. Sometimes just getting started, just start anywhere. I'll say that to people. Where do I start? Anywhere. Just pick something, anything that doesn't feel as scary to you and do that one thing. And then you'll realize the sky didn't fall. It wasn't a disaster. And even if I did mess it up, nothing horrible happened. And

SPEAKER_01: 15:45

you know what else I love about what you

SPEAKER_00: 15:46

did, Joy?

SPEAKER_01: 15:47

Joy.

SPEAKER_00: 15:50

My middle name actually is Joy. Oh, okay. So yeah, anybody can call me Joy anytime.

SPEAKER_01: 15:57

Laura,

SPEAKER_00: 15:57

is

SPEAKER_01: 15:59

that you also reached out for support from your son. And that is so huge. Sometimes we just need a little encouragement or a little help. in some way from somebody else. And that can really help us gain the momentum that we need to. So not only did you take a first step, you reached out for help. So those are two huge factors in getting to your goals and dreams.

SPEAKER_00: 16:25

I love that. We have this phrase that gets thrown around a lot, imposter syndrome. And I think most of us encounter that at some point in time. And the cure for that in my experience has been just get over yourself. Like you don't have to know everything. You don't have to be perfect. Nobody is. And there's a whole world out there of people that have the expertise that you don't have that can help you. There's YouTube, there's coaches, there's help out there. And the minute that we get over this idea that we have to, you know, know everything and be everything and do everything before we can take that first step, just getting that out of the way is sometimes a huge barrier that starts the process.

SPEAKER_01: 17:12

Right. Perfection is not even a thing, but yet we think that we need to be perfect sometimes. And it's just, it's just not true. Progress is nice. Perfection is just unrealistic.

SPEAKER_00: 17:25

Always. Like, For everyone. And that's hard to remember because other people were only seeing maybe their social media presence that's very curated and seems perfect. Right. And sometimes that's pretty far from the truth. Absolutely. So on your website, I saw that you talk a lot about focusing on you. And what is the resistance that people tend to have to doing that? What do you need to overcome with people for them to even begin to focus on themselves?

SPEAKER_01: 17:59

I think especially midlife women tend to think that they need to prioritize other people's needs over their own always. I don't know, maybe them thinking that they need to may not have been the best wording, but it's what they tend to have always done from the moment we have those little children they become our our world and of course you know a baby needs to be right our world and so there's times when we do need to put others ahead of ourselves such as when you have small children yet there's always ways to take a break and focus on yourself, whether you have a baby or whether you're in a big career or whatever your life situation is, that you can always take time for yourself. Yet we tend to not do that. We tend to just push ourselves until we're completely depleted and then we still try to keep going. And that's circling back to Asking for help. How important it is. To say. I need a break. If I can have. 30 minutes to myself. I think I can come back. And then I can. Participate in the family again. With more of a joyful heart. Or I can help you with a joyful heart. And it's just. By taking time. And thinking about yourself. It just. Helps. Everybody in your life. It makes you a better parent. It makes you a better partner, a better professional, a better friend. And we just need to take time to do it, which midlife women in particular tend to not do.

SPEAKER_00: 19:55

Well, and I love what you just said in addressing the question of, is this selfish for me to do this? Because when you do, you're able to come back in a more present and joyful way. way for everybody else and i think that once once people are used to you being a certain way it might take them by surprise at first when you start putting you know prioritizing yourself some but once they see that result i think the people that love you are going to really encourage that because it's actually better for them too

SPEAKER_01: 20:31

Right. I heard this one time that really kind of resonated with me is, would you have wanted your mom to give, give, give so much that she was unhappy? Or so, you know, do you want to give that gift to your child where you're truly happy and you can show up as a mother? Yes. As a happy, joyful individual.

SPEAKER_00: 20:56

Well, I'm modeling for them. So that maybe they can just avoid that whole stage altogether and learn how to do that right from the beginning. What a gift to give to your children and your coworkers and anyone who's around you to see that modeled by you. A gift is

SPEAKER_01: 21:16

such a good word

SPEAKER_00: 21:17

for that. Yes. I love that. So one of the quotes of yours that I found on Instagram that I really loved, I'll say that I want to make sure I say it right. Cause this was just from your post today. When fear meets action, it loses power. Tell me more about that.

SPEAKER_01: 21:36

Sure. Well, it goes back to a lot of what we were talking about, about taking the small steps, because fear basically wants to control you. It wants to control what you do because it wants to keep you in your comfort zone where it knows it can keep you, quote, safe. And that's physically and emotionally safe. So by taking those little steps, fear sees that we are able to handle more and that the goal is to make our comfort zone really big. So by taking those little stretches consistently, eventually they become part of our comfort zone. Love that. Yes. And that, that's how we, you know, fear loses its grip on us. When we take action, it sees that we can handle more than we can when we were a little child. And, and it just, fear diminishes. And it doesn't, I wish it was like a light switch where you could just flip it and then fear, you know, goes away. Number one, we're human. So we'll always have fear. It's part of our brains. And we wouldn't be able to stay alive without it. You know, we don't want to walk into traffic or go down a dark alley at night. So we do need our fear. But what we can do is we can, reduce the frequency that we're triggered and we can reduce the intensity of how much we're triggered or how much we allow fear to control us. We reduce, you know, how long it makes us maybe think negative self-talk or doubt ourselves, compare ourselves and reduce that intensity because with tools, you can learn to reduce all of that and get back to feeling confident and going after your goals much more quickly.

SPEAKER_00: 23:55

Well, and I like what you said that fear is trying to keep us safe because sometimes I think we see what certain emotions as negative fear, anger, those are like these horrible emotions trying to hurt us, but actually usually they come into our lives in an effort in some way to help us. It just becomes a little off kilter and they go a little bit, they get too big. But generally fears are, the ability to feel fear was put into our bodies to protect us. So I love how you said that, that you just need to convince it that, hey, I'm okay. I'm good. I don't need you to do that so much.

SPEAKER_01: 24:36

And to take that just a step further, fear can be our friend. Because when we start, for example, doubting ourselves or having negative self-talk, once we become aware that fear is causing those thoughts, then we can go, oh, that's fear talking. That's not true. a real reflection of my capabilities. And then you can refocus and focus on your strengths and decide truly what is the truth and move forward from that point rather than moving forward from a place of fear. I

SPEAKER_00: 25:16

love that because I liked another one of your quotes, don't let self-doubt make you fail before you even try. And we so often do that. We just sit there paralyzed. It's very paralyzing.

SPEAKER_01: 25:29

Very. Yes. Like wanting to start a podcast for you here. And

SPEAKER_00: 25:35

when it really came down to it, it was so easy to solve those things that were holding me up. There was a couple of other things, but primarily it was something that ultimately took me 15 minutes to solve. And it's so silly, but we do those sorts of things. So you have, I saw on your website, if people are interested, a way to sign up for a free e-guide, 10 tips to grow your joy. And I love that because it's super, super concrete. And I won't ask you to share that because they need to go to your website and sign up for your e-guide. E-Guide, before I continue here, I have another question for you. But tell everybody how they can find you. How do they find your coaching? And, you know, how do they connect with Ellen Bergen?

SPEAKER_01: 26:23

Well, my website, it's a little long, but it's simple. It's ifitbringsyoujoy.com. And also on Instagram, I'm Ellen Bergen underscore coach. I

SPEAKER_00: 26:39

love that. And I will put those links in the description for this video. But what is, if you were to say one simple thing, like a very concrete, simple thing that somebody can do right now today to start them on a path toward greater joy in their life, do you have, you know, just a simple tip?

SPEAKER_01: 27:02

Do the thing.

SPEAKER_00: 27:04

Okay,

SPEAKER_01: 27:05

elaborate on that. I love that. That thing that you always want to do, just take a step toward that. If it's not one small step, take one small step toward doing the thing that you can't stop thinking about. Because there's a reason you can't stop thinking about it. It's meant for you. It's calling for you. It might be a passion that can help bring joy to your life. Go for it. Take one small step today.

SPEAKER_00: 27:38

And you have no idea when you do that who you might inspire to do the same. You know, and if you're being called to it, there's something in your body and your mind and your soul that needs that thing. Or sometimes it might be that you need to be an influence for somebody else, right?

SPEAKER_01: 28:02

Right. We all are connected, really. And we all inspire each other and encourage each other. And it's really important to have that circle of support, too, where you are with like-minded people, where you can inspire people. And yeah, your actions, especially like with acts of kindness, that's, I think, the best. easiest place to see the ripple effect. If I do something for you, you're more likely to do an act of kindness for somebody else. And the people who see, who witness these acts of kindness, they're gonna walk away feeling better and they're more likely to do something for people that they come in contact with that day to be kind. So yes, what we do really affects, it has a ripple effect no matter what we do. And if we show up cranky, that's also going to have a ripple effect.

SPEAKER_00: 29:00

A hundred percent. Yes, absolutely. And when I think, I try to think sometimes what kind of impact do I want to have when I walk into a room and what do I want to leave with people when I walk back out of it? You know, you don't, we all know those people that walk into the room and it just, the entire, the entire mood of the room goes down. And then there's those people that, that come into a room and just light it And we get drawn to those people. We want those people in our lives. And I would rather be one of those people than the people that everybody, you know, the Eeyore that everybody is like, oh, here she comes again. And the only way to do that is to take care of me.

SPEAKER_01: 29:41

Right. And I think we each have our own light that we can shine, that we can choose to shine. Some people choose not to. But when I choose to shine my light and we get together and you're shining your light, that makes it double as bright. And so if we all just shine our light, we have more effect together. then I think one person shining their light has more effect than 100 people who are dimming theirs. Now I have no proof of that, but I think it's so true from experience.

SPEAKER_00: 30:16

Absolutely. It's sort of like a match that can light a bunch of candles. You know, it doesn't diminish the match. Exactly. You can share this so liberally. And it actually tends to increase it for yourself as well, because then you're surrounding yourself with other people that have a lot of light as well. I love that. There's never too much of that. So on your website, you have more than one different coaching program that people can sign up for, right? I saw one called Boot Camp. Tell me just real briefly about your different coaching programs.

SPEAKER_01: 30:46

Sure. I have two of them. One is a six session and one is an 11 session. And then they have the option to go into a maintenance program. But the six session boot camp is really to give you the nitty gritty details to get an understanding of how fear is making you behave and different patterns that we all tend to have in our life that we all tend to have. unconsciously or live it on autopilot. So we bring awareness to that. And I give tools for how to handle each one of those. And it really is for the person who is ready to do the inner work. I use audios and videos. And so those are only 10 to 20 minutes long. week, but then I have you doing different tools also. So really it takes probably, oh gosh, I don't know, 10 to 30 minutes a day, depending on the person, but they really have to be ready to do the work and want to grow their confidence. And honestly, they get so much more than confidence out of it. We hit on so many different issues, but for sure, they're going to get a boost in their confidence and it gives them habits. Excuse my dog. She just like snorted, but I love dog. She's my assistant right here with me. But really it, it just helps you get some solid foundation for your, habits that you can take forward into your life and to eventually get these things into your comfort zone so your comfort zone stretches and you can more easily go after your goals and dreams and it's so it's a lifelong change that you get if you're willing to do the work

SPEAKER_00: 32:45

absolutely absolutely and it is really remarkable if you can turn around your confidence and begin to approach life from a place of joy, everything starts to change out in front of you. Like that is the foundation for everything else, really, for all the other changes you want to make. So if you can tackle that first, then the rest will just come so much more easily.

SPEAKER_01: 33:11

Yes. Then it just, it feels like you're flowing rather than trying to swim upstream.

SPEAKER_00: 33:17

Absolutely. Ellen, thank you so much for being willing to come on the show today. I love your philosophy about life. And I just want to tell everybody that if you go to Ellen's website, there's all kinds of testimonials on there. And I think you can tell just from meeting her today that she has a very calming spirit and would be wonderful to work with as a coach. So thank you very, very much for being my guest today.

SPEAKER_01: 33:41

Thank you, Laura. It was my honor.

SPEAKER_00: 33:44

Have a great day, everybody. Thank you for joining me today on the Joy Felicity Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and share and come follow me on all major social media sites at Joy Felicity or on my website, joyfelicity.com. You can follow the link in the description for this episode to all of the places that we can connect. Have a great day, everybody. And remember, dare to dream, plan to play, live to learn.